Entertainment
Kristen Stewart's Extremely R-Rated Action Comedy Is Pineapple Express Meets John Wick
By Robert Scucci
| Updated
Every single time I stream something with Jesse Eisenberg in it, I have to remind myself that I have free will, and that I can just watch all of his movies in some sort of sensible order. Zombieland (2009) is a modern classic horror comedy, The End of the Tour (2015) is a gut-wrenching yet hilarious biopic about David Foster Wallace that any serious reader should watch at some point in their life, and The Double (2013) doubles as an intense psychological thriller with a perfectly twisted sense of humor. I can keep listing titles, but you get the point. The man’s an actor’s actor through and through.
Had I known that Jesse Eisenberg starred in 2015’s American Ultra, an extremely violent action comedy about a comic book-drawing stoner who doesn’t know he’s a CIA sleeper agent until properly activated, resulting in a hilarious series of escalations that ultimately level an entire town with heavy artillery and a bunch of hapless shadow government goons, I would have watched it years ago.
The only thing I can do with my life now, outside of living in a constant state of regret for missing out on such a fun movie for over a decade, is spread the good word and recommend American Ultra to anybody who may have missed it.
A Sleeper Agent Living In A Sleepy Town
When we first meet Mike Howell (Jesse Eisenberg) in American Ultra, he’s a total mess. He’s the kind of stoner who needs to stay constantly lit in order to function like a regular contributing member of society, but we soon learn that this isn’t entirely his fault. He works as a convenience store clerk and comes home to his long-term girlfriend, Phoebe (Kristen Stewart). Phoebe is beyond patient with him, especially because he suffers from horrible panic attacks whenever he tries to leave town, often ruining their planned vacations.
As it turns out, Mike has been programmed not to leave his small town of Liman, West Virginia because he’s a sleeper agent in his hibernation phase, and people are actively keeping tabs on him. He’s the last known surviving member of the “Wiseman” Ultra Program (inspired by MKUltra), run by CIA Agent Victoria Lasseter (Connie Britton), who shows up at his work to activate him after learning that her rival, Adrian Yates (Topher Grace), plans to kill him using his own similarly trained “Toughguy” agents that he believes are superior.
Once Victoria rattles off the activation phrase, “Chariot Progressive, listen. Mandelbrot set is in motion. Echo Choir has been breached. We are fielding the ball,” Mike initially thinks it’s some obscure song lyric and goes back to work without a second thought. But when he’s later assaulted by two Toughguys outside, his very particular skill set (read: the ability to effortlessly kill scores of people) comes rushing back to him. The problem is that he’s still the same Mike he’s always been, only now he suddenly has no idea what he’s actually capable of.
After narrowly escaping two of Yates’ goons, Laugher (Walton Goggins) and Crane (Monique Ganderton), and regrouping with Phoebe, Mike slowly starts learning what’s really at stake. At the same time, he realizes he barely remembers anything about his life before settling down with Phoebe, who may know far more about his situation than she initially lets on.
Pineapple Express Meets John Wick
American Ultra takes the stoner humor from Pineapple Express, rolls it up nice and tight, and then lights up John Wick-style the second Mike is activated. Jesse Eisenberg’s portrayal of Mike is so much fun to watch because he’s horrified by what he’s capable of, but also weirdly curious about how deep the conspiracy involving him, Lasseter, and Yates actually goes. Is he really the last of his kind? And can he take out the supposedly more sophisticated generation of sleeper agents designed to eliminate him?
At the same time, he’s just trying to keep his girlfriend safe, even though she’s surprisingly chill about the whole ordeal, which adds another layer of suspicion and tension to his already paranoid mental state. At the end of the day, though, American Ultra has a shockingly simple premise that lets you sit back and watch everybody start blasting when it matters most. It’s Jesse Eisenberg taking what he learned from Zombieland and applying it to a covert ops conspiracy where he’s an unwilling participant.
There’s no real moral dilemma here, or anything that requires deep thought. You just need to appreciate this one for what it is and enjoy the ride.
As of this writing, American Ultra is streaming for free on Tubi.
Entertainment
Sexy, Star-Studded Remake Of The Ultimate Adventure Comedy, Now Streaming On Netflix
By Chris Snellgrove
| Published
When I heard we were getting a reboot of Jumanji, I was absolutely filled with dread. The original film was very special to me: it was a master class in acting from the late, great Robin Williams, and the plot about getting stuck inside a board game both frightened and delighted my adolescent self. I assumed any remake of this iconic film would be an insult to Williams and everyone else from the original Jumanji. Plus, the original sequel, Zathura: A Space Adventure, which was such a minor blip on the pop culture radar that I’d bet my board game collection you already forgot it ever existed.
Accordingly, I walked into my local theater in 2017, assuming that Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle would be complete trash and that I would be hate-watching it from beginning to end. To my immense surprise, however, the movie used the original Jumanji as a springboard to tell an innovative and original story featuring a quirky cast that meshed together shockingly well. The result is a modern adventure comedy that’s as funny as it is family-friendly, and you can now stream it on Netflix.
Like A Rock
In Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, the titular tabletop adventure has been transformed into a ‘90s video game console that is discovered by some hapless high schoolers. They fire up this retro machine and are instantly sucked into the world of the game, which was heavily inspired by everything from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom to the old Pitfall video game. In order to get back to reality, these teens (each stuck inside an adult body) must win the game. That means finding a way to stop its final boss: a mad professor who has taken control of the animals and turned everything in the jungle into a weapon.
The cast of Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is eclectic, to put it mildly. Dwayne Johnson does his usual action hero thing, but he mercifully leans into his sillier side to embrace the broad comedy of this cinematic caper. The biggest punchlines come courtesy of two other, very different comedians: Kevin Hart, doing his reliably wacky schtick as a pint-sized sidekick, and Jack Black, playing hilariously against type as a teenage girl stuck in a man’s body. Rounding out the cast is Karen Gillan, the former Doctor Who companion who has now fully embraced her Marvel makeover as a modern action star.
If You Die In The Game, You Die In Real Life
The stakes never feel all that high in Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, but that’s actually part of its appeal. This is a perfect movie when you want to grab a beer and just vibe out on the couch to pure, unadulterated fun. It’s great to watch with your friends because you don’t have to take the plot seriously, and everyone you invite over will love at least one member of the quirky cast. As long as your kiddos aren’t too young, this PG-13 movie is fun for the whole family, and if your teens live on Discord, they’ll enjoy the plot about being trapped in a life-or-death video game.
While Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is not the most original movie, it’s a great example of how a film can be greater than the sum of its parts. It’s based on the original Jumanji, and it brings in some of the “kids trapped in a fantastic world” elements of classics like Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Its action/adventure elements are basically what you get if you smash the Indiana Jones and Pirates of the Caribbean franchises together. Plus, the movie borrows heavily from the modern Marvel formula, with a brisk pace that always finds time for some surprisingly funny quips and unexpected punchlines.
Clean, Dumb Fun
As you can tell, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle isn’t a great choice for anyone looking for a wholly original film. But if you like the movies referenced above, this action-adventure is basically a buffet of genre goodness. Not a high-class buffet, either, but one of those local places that specialize in greasy carb bombs that slow down your heart in a “hurts so good” kinda way. In the spirit of those buffets, Welcome to the Jungle is not exactly a healthy part of your cinematic diet. But for anyone looking to consume a guilty pleasure of film, however, this Jumanji reboot really hits the spot.
Fittingly enough, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is true to the origins of the franchise. This isn’t a movie that will change your life, and it was never exactly in danger of taking home an Academy Award. But like all great board games and video games, it delivers the best kind of distractions in the form of a breezy plot, charismatic cast, and infectious humor. Whenever you’re ready for a much-needed break from the trials and tribulations of our hellworld, here’s some good news: you can now stream Jumanji: Welcome To the Jungle on Netflix.
It should be perfectly safe. After all, there’s no way you could possibly get stuck in this movie for the next two decades, right?
Entertainment
Star Trek's Warp Drive Is Actually A Weapon Of Mass Destruction
By Joshua Tyler
| Published
The trouble with traveling to other planets has always been the vast distances involved and the limitations of lightspeed travel. As far as we know, nothing in the universe can move faster than the speed of light.
This fundamental fact means that even if you go as fast as the laws of physics will allow, it would still take decades to reach the nearest inhabited planet. Science Fiction has long theorized that the solution to this problem might be warp drive.
The idea behind a warp drive, popularized by Star Trek but rooted in real theoretical physics, is that instead of moving a ship faster than light through space, you move space itself. A ship inside a “warp bubble” would stay relatively still while spacetime in front of it compresses and spacetime behind it expands, effectively carrying the vessel across enormous distances faster than light could normally travel.
Physicists have done real work to explore this possibility, but research from the University of Sydney suggests one huge obstacle: Space isn’t empty.
That big, black void between planets is actually full of radiation and tiny particles, which their research suggests would be “swept up” into the warp bubble and then focused into areas in front of and behind the ship. This wouldn’t actually be a danger for anyone inside the warp bubble, but for anyone hanging out at the ship’s destination, it would spell certain doom. They explain, “Any people at the destination would be gamma rays and high-energy particles blasted into oblivion due to the extreme blueshifts for [forward] region particles.”
This problem might be solved by aiming your craft just a little off to the side of your destination, allowing the release of all that energy into some unpopulated part of space, but even that may not do it. It could be that the particles will blast away from the craft in all directions.
It’s hard to seek out new life and new civilizations if you wipe them all out the moment you arrive. When we finally get Starfleet up and running, we’ll probably need a better alternative to the warp drive.
Entertainment
The Funniest Show On TV Will Change The Way You Think About Education
By TeeJay Small
| Published
If you spend a lot of time trolling Hulu for the best binge-worthy TV shows like I do, you’ve probably found your fair share of duds. Some shows don’t have the writing chops to really make you laugh, some lack a cast talented enough to have staying power, and some are just victims of early cancellation before they can hit their stride. Luckily, I won’t need to look for a new show for a while, because I’ve got five seasons of Abbott Elementary that I can watch over and over again until I die.
I’m not trying to oversell it when I say Abbott Elementary might just be the funniest show on TV. On paper, it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing I’d vibe with, but after taking a chance on the ABC sitcom, I’m completely hooked. I first became aware of the show last year when they collaborated with It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia to produce a pair of hilarious crossover specials. Having grown up loving Always Sunny, I tuned in just for the gang, and stayed for the off-the-walls antics of the teachers and students at Willard R. Abbott Elementary School.
Overqualified And Underappreciated
In case you haven’t seen it, Abbott Elementary is a series created by former Buzzfeed contributor Quinta Brunson. Brunson stars as a newly-minted elementary school teacher named Janine Teagues, working in the heart of a deeply underfunded Philadelphia school system. Through the lens of a mockumentary film crew, we meet an ensemble of wacky characters, including the self-centered principal Ava Coleman (Janelle James), the wise and jaded kindergarten teacher Barbara Howard (Sheryl Lee Ralph), and the straight-laced and overqualified Gregory Eddie, played by Tyler James Williams of Everybody Hates Chris fame.
Each episode highlights the struggles that teachers face, from bussing strikes, to budget cuts, to the occasional ringworm outbreak. Brunson created the show as a love letter to some of her own teachers from the Philly school system, and worked extra hard behind the scenes to ensure that the series handles topical issues with care. The heart of Abbott Elementary is best exemplified by the middle school teacher Jacob Hill (Chris Perfetti), who is constantly trying to ensure that his students have access to clubs and resources that simply aren’t in the budget. Though he’s obnoxious, overbearing, and unspeakably corny, Jacob always goes above and beyond for his students.
Family-Friendly Humor With Bite
Personally, my favorite characters are Principal Coleman and Melissa Schemmenti (Lisa Ann Walter). The former is a character that feels like it was written using my exact likeness before race and gender swapping for the purpose of being legally distinct, while the latter feels like every one of my scheming, Italian aunts from back in Boston. Melissa is a die-hard Philly sports fanatic, an avid gambler, and a top-tier teacher when it comes to showing her kids how to hustle against the system. With endless obstacles in their path, the Abbott crew somehow manage to give their students the best education possible, and take the time to address systemic issues with a surprising level of care.
Though the characters on Abbott Elementary are extremely well realized, the thing that makes this show so special is its nonstop humor. I’m usually a fan of raunchy comedies and foul-mouthed performers (a la Always Sunny) so I was shocked at how many laughs this family-friendly workplace comedy could draw out of me. Pound for pound, I’d say I laugh out loud harder and more often watching Abbott Elementary than I do with any other movie, show, or web series. Every line out of Ava’s mouth is a work of art, and Mr. Eddie’s straight-man glances to the camera are like Jim from The Office on steroids.
If you haven’t had the chance to check this one out yet, be sure to catch Abbott Elementary on Hulu today. For those unsure about giving it a spin, I’d say start with episodes like “Attack Ad,” “Read-A-Thon,” or “Smoking.” Pretty much every episode of this show is a guaranteed banger, but those are some of the episodes that stand out as ruinously funny.
Sparks seek complete effort in rematch vs. Tempo
Sexy, Star-Studded Remake Of The Ultimate Adventure Comedy, Now Streaming On Netflix
