By Chris Snellgrove
| Published 12 seconds ago

Born in the early ‘80s, I quickly became a video game junkie. That made me the perfect age to fall in love with Mortal Kombat, the bloodier, edgelord alternative to fighting games like Street Fighter II. For an embarrassingly long time, I kept up with the early games’ lore, which was adapted into a shockingly good PG-13 movie in the ‘90s. When I heard that we would be getting a new, R-rated Mortal Kombat movie, my hopes were high. Filled with boring fight scenes and flat characters, the first of these newer movies couldn’t escape its digital roots, and the whole thing looked and felt like a video game cutscene.  

Still, the early previews for Mortal Kombat II made it seem like the producers had learned from the failures of the 2021 film. Trailers promised better characters, better fights, and a more interesting story. Oh, and a secret weapon in the form of The Boys star Karl Urban as audience surrogate Jonny Cage. Unfortunately, the final result isn’t quite what the filmmakers were hoping for. Mortal Kombat II is better than the previous movie in the sense that a polished turd is better than an unpolished one. But that’s still bad news for discerning audiences hoping that they might get something other than complete sh*t for their money. 

All Style, No Substance

The premise of Mortal Kombat II is that the titular Mortal Kombat tournament is on the horizon, and if Earth loses, it will be invaded and conquered by the reigning Outworld bad guy, Shao Kahn. Our heroes assemble a team to defend the planet, which includes washed-up action movie star, Johnny Cage. But they faced some pretty big hurdles. Not only is Kahn able to resurrect the dead and turn old allies into enemies, but he has an amulet that makes him functionally immortal. Unless they can defeat the godlike Shao Kahn and win the tournament, all of humanity will be destroyed by the forces of death and darkness.

That sounds pretty engaging, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, for a movie that’s all about fatalities, Mortal Kombat II is really bad when it comes to executing its ambitious plot. It doesn’t help that Shao Kahn has no real personality other than “scary masked guy.” Seriously, he looks and acts like the generic villains you’d find in the worst horror movies of the ‘80s. Such a one-dimensional character works in video games because nobody is worried about the guy’s backstory when they’re frantically mashing buttons. But when you sit in the theater for nearly two hours, you expect (in vain, as it turns out) something more substantial from this new guy we’re supposed to care about.

Get Over Here

Speaking of new guys that we’re supposed to care about, Karl Urban is supposed to be the big draw of Mortal Kombat II. After all, he’s a charismatic character actor who plays the perfect audience surrogate role in this new film. Unfortunately, this never works even half as well as the filmmakers wanted because the script is just that bad. Urban does the best he can with the material, but he spends almost the entire runtime either gawking at Outworld weirdness or busting out tired one-liners. In-universe, Cage achieved fame by starring in a bunch of action schlock films. In an ironic and unintended twist, his dialogue never rises above that level of forgotten B-movie crapitude.

For longtime Mortal Kombat fans, there are a few things to enjoy about this movie. Adeline Rudolph is all deadly grace as Kitana, the perfect embodiment of sex and violence. Kano is resurrected, giving Josh Lawson more chances to steal every scene he’s in. There are fun callbacks to the original games, including hearing Ed Boon (who also makes a small cameo as a bartender) doing Scorpion’s iconic “get over here!” line. Plus, the fatalities are pretty solid, including a final execution that’s one of the most metal moments ever captured onscreen. These things, plus the inexorable force of nostalgia, may be enough to please the most hardcore Mortal Kombat players out there.

Shock And Awful

Unfortunately, the movie is a disappointment to pretty much everyone else. Aside from the awful writing and the slipshod plot, the biggest reason for this is that the fights are just absolutely awful. Every punch and kick lacks the visceral weight of even the simplest martial arts movies (seriously, Karate Kid has more intense fighting than this!), and the special moves are just bland CGI. The awful battles are basically the final failure of Mortal Kombat II. As an adaptation of a fighting game, the fights are woefully bad. As a character-driven genre story, the characters are one-dimensional. As a starring vehicle for Karl Urban, this is the worst thing he’s been in since Shortland Street.   

Mortal Kombat II isn’t the worst thing in theaters right now, but it’s a disappointment on every level. There’s not enough fan service to really please the franchise’s base, and there’s not enough substance to please anyone else. It’s flat, boring, and everything is covered in a grey tint that makes the film look like a cutscene from an early PS3 video game. Mortal Kombat II spends its last few minutes blatantly setting up a sequel, which is ironic because this awful film just performed a fatality on the franchise. It didn’t do the same to me, which is unfortunate; after all, I’d rather be dead than endure this low-effort crapfest ever again.