Entertainment
Marvel Icon Punished For Having A Huge Bulge
By Chris Snellgrove
| Published
Have you played Marvel Rivals? If you can get over the fact that it’s basically a reskinned version of Overwatch, it’s a lot of fun. This is a hero shooter where you take control of a character from the wide world of Marvel. There are a variety of team-based multiplayer modes; this variety, along with the fact that the game is free-to-play, keeps players coming back for more. How do the developers make money, though? Simple: they charge players for “skins” which completely change the look of the character. Many skins are modeled after famous outfits from the comics, and others are modeled after character designs in the MCU.
Whatever their original inspiration was, though, all of these skins have one thing in common: they are way hornier than you’d expect them to be. There are plenty of revealing outfits that pair perfectly with thirsty character designs that players can’t stop drooling over. Unfortunately, players recently discovered that the game had gone a little too far with Captain America’s latest summer skin. You see, the skin gave Cap a bulge so big that it messed up some of his in-game animations. This caused the Chinese developer to do the unthinkable: they shrunk Captain America’s penis, and they waited until the Fourth of July to do it!
The Battle Of The Bulge
Every year, Marvel Rivals developer NetEase Games releases skimpy summer swimwear outfits for various characters. This may seem like just a cheap way to appeal to gooner gamers, but it’s arguably a throwback to the ‘90s, when Marvel similarly appealed to horny comic book nerds with thirsty swimsuit specials. Captain America got an especially scandalous skin this summer, one that was basically short shorts and a skimpy tank top that showed off his hairy, muscled chest. Normally, fans would be panting about Cap’s thick legs and arms, but this skin made them fixate on something else: the comically huge bulge of the character’s penis.
Seriously, this thing wobbled with its own physics. While fans were both excited and scared (scaroused, if you will), some wondered if Captain America having such a huge package was an accident. Like, maybe the character model got tweaked in such a way that its pelvis was extending outward, giving the appearance of a much larger bulge. At any rate, it definitely seemed to be a mistake. In the game, Cap has an emote that echoes the recording in Spider-Man: Homecoming where he pulls out a chair and then sits in it. Previously, players activating this emote with the summer skin encountered a bug: Cap’s big, floppy unit clipping right through the chair!
Now, without making any kind of official announcement, NetEase games seems to have fixed the issue. While Captain America still has an impressive bulge, it’s not as obscenely huge as it once was. Furthermore, it no longer clips through the chair when players use the aforementioned emote. All’s well that ends well, right? Sort of. While the timing could be a coincidence, many players couldn’t help but notice how the Chinese developer waited until Independence Day to shrink Captain America’s weiner down to size. Do y’all really think this will even slow down an aroused Cap, though? It’s like the man says: he can do this all day!