Entertainment
New Version Of The Mummy Is Bad Parenting Wrapped In Vomit-Soaked Blasphemy
By Chris Sawin
| Published
Lee Cronin’s The Mummy is not a remake of the 1999 version of The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser, but actually a reimagining of the 1932 film starring Boris Karloff. What’s interesting about the original 1932 version of The Mummy is that it was also reimagined for its four sequels, including a crossover with Abbott and Costello.
The new horror film is loaded with gross-out gore, extreme close-up shots, and is undeniably corny even when tension is meant to be high. The Cannon family is annoying as hell. Charlie (Jack Reynor, Midsommar) is a terrible parent. Katie (Natalie Grace) is abducted because he wasn’t watching her at the beginning of the film, and things get increasingly worse because he’s constantly off being dumb in the basement.
His wife, Larissa (Laia Costa), is a delusional twit. When things get bad, and Katie starts eating live scorpions, headbutting her grandmother in the face, breaking her nose, and having half of her leg ripped off because Larissa doesn’t know how to do a proper pedicure, Charlie gives her an out, stating, “Hey, maybe we should have Katie committed somewhere temporarily because we have no idea what the hell we’re doing, and your mom’s face can only take so much punishment.” Larissa takes it personally and thinks Charlie is implying that she can’t take care of her own daughter. He is, and she can’t.
The Cannons are living in this two-story, creaky-ass house with the loudest floorboards known to man. It also has this insane crawlspace with tiny doors leading to every room in the house, which is more convenient than Jason Voorhees digging tunnels to reach every room in the 2009 Friday the 13th remake. They also live with Carmen Santiago (Veronica Falcon), who is Larissa’s mother. Lee Cronin must have a thing against old people and/or grandparents, because this lady is destroyed throughout the film. Those coyotes that have been lurking around the house are eventually put to good use.
Parenting Is Never Easy
Somewhere in Egypt, a family is riding together in their car. The father sings with his three children as the mother quickly turns off the radio and complains that they’re all giving her a headache, then continues the car ride in silence. When they arrive home, their pet bird is left twitching in its cage in a pool of its own blood. The mother grabs the bird in her hand, blood dripping down her arm, and crushes it to death in front of her family.
The parents make their way to their basement, where they’ve been housing a 3,000-year-old sarcophagus. They decide to crack it open and see if the mummy inside has awoken. As the sarcophagus becomes ajar, their torch is blown out, and a hook lifts the father off his feet, pierces through his jaw, and leaves him dangling in the air while choking on his last blood-soaked breath.
American Charlie Cannon has been working in Cairo as a reporter while trying to get a promotion in New York. As he secures his promotion, his daughter, Katie, disappears. She has been visiting a secret friend at the end of their garden for some time now, a woman who claims to be a magician (the mother from the beginning of the film). The magician (Hayat Kamille) kidnaps Katie, and the Cannon family is never the same.
Eight years later, a plane carrying the sarcophagus crashes. When it’s opened by the authorities, Katie is found inside, totally emaciated and wrapped up like a mummy. The rest of the film is spent trying to figure out what happened to her.
A Smell Only A Mother Can Love
What Lee Cronin’s The Mummy has going for it, other than its long-ass name, is that it is ridiculous. The dialogue reads like a bad soap opera, with Charlie being a mega-macho a-hole for no reason, and any sort of human interaction not feeling genuine in the slightest. The film is loaded with projectile vomit, and whatever is going on with Katie can’t decide whether it wants to blatantly rip off The Evil Dead, The Exorcist, or Poltergeist.
Charlie goes jogging out into a sandstorm to search for Katie after she disappears, and is barely fazed by the disastrous natural phenomenon. Katie violently and repeatedly shoves a fireplace poker into her foot after her mother’s attempt at cutting her toenails. Katie is also catatonic throughout most of the film. She breathes these raspy death rattle breaths, chomps her teeth, and gurgles these inhuman noises. She’s violent, unpredictable, with stinky, dried-out skin and long, black Frito fingernails, and can’t move on her own unless it’s convenient to the over-complicated story. She has a face, an appearance, and a smell only a mother can love, apparently.
Before Katie disappeared, the Cannons were expecting another baby. When Katie returns, she has a sister named Maud (Billie Roy). Maud starts off as this kind of cute, harmless kid who turns into an absolute hellion. What she does with teeth is disgusting. The funeral reception sequence, which is where Maud’s tooth obsession culminates, may be the most nauseating and outrageous scene in the film.
Evil Dead Rise was written and directed by Lee Cronin in 2023. His experience of dabbling in a Sam Raimi-created franchise must have left its mark because Lee Cronin’s The Mummy remorsely borrows from Raimi’s work at every opportunity. The film is over two hours long and would be nothing without its reliance on nasty gore. The musical score sounds like a herd of stampeding elephants and viciously assaults your eardrums constantly.
Miserable And Excessive
Lee Cronin’s The Mummy isn’t scary or memorable; it’s raunchy exploitation and over-orchestrated expired cheese. It is a horror film that reeks of nothing but ridiculousness. The sad part is there’s a decent enough concept buried somewhere within this vomit-drenched monstrosity and a killer ambiance that is borderline spine-tingling.
But there’s nothing original here other than influence overkill. Lee Cronin’s The Mummy is like dunking a grenade in a bucket of gasoline, throwing that grenade in a clown car, and witnessing an entire circus melt, crackle, and explode as you try to piss to put it out. It is miserably and excessively grotesque.
Lee Cronin’s The Mummy barfs its way into theaters on April 17.
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Entertainment
Chuck Norris' Insane, R-Rated 80s Action Flick Is Exploitative, Violent, And Awesome
By Robert Scucci
| Published
1985’s Invasion U.S.A. Holy crap, what a movie. Chuck Norris doesn’t kill terrorists. Terrorists kill themselves when they learn that Chuck Norris is coming for them. This movie was made possible by Cannon Films, the studio that also brought us 1987’s Masters of the Universe and 1989’s Cyborg. The latter was famously written in a single weekend by Albert Pyun after Masters of the Universe underperformed, its sequel plans fell apart, and Cannon needed to repurpose expensive sets and props in a last-ditch effort to recoup their losses.
In case you’re wondering what caliber film Invasion U.S.A. is, the above paragraph is all the explanation you need. It was written by Chuck Norris and James Bruner, and directed by Joseph Zito, best known for classic punishers like 1979’s Bloodrage, 1984’s Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, and 1984’s Missing in Action, another powerhouse Chuck Norris vehicle that sits with a 19 percent critical score on Rotten Tomatoes but is revered as a cult classic.
One Lone Badass Against Every Single Terrorist
Chuck Norris is retired CIA Agent Matt Hunter in Invasion U.S.A., and before things truly heat up, he’s totally fine with his quiet life. He rides around on his airboat with his best friend John Eagle (Dehl Berti), wrestles alligators, and rocks a full Canadian tuxedo like it’s standard issue. What Matt Hunter doesn’t know yet is that he’s about to be forced out of retirement when he learns that his old rival Mikhail Rostov (Richard Lynch) is back to his old tricks.
And what are Mikhail Rostov’s old tricks, you ask? It’s a bit convoluted, but here’s what I picked up after watching Invasion U.S.A., not knowing what I was getting into. Rostov, a Soviet terrorist, wants to create civil unrest in the United States. He first leaves his mark by posing as the Coast Guard and murdering a group of Cuban refugees. He then walks into a flop house, shoots a random dude in the dick, and throws a cocaine-addicted woman through a window.
By themselves, these sequences are unintentionally hilarious, but they also establish exactly what kind of menace Rostov is. These incidents are just the tip of the iceberg, because what he plans next is total anarchy. Rostov, haunted by nightmares of Matt Hunter finally delivering brutal justice, decides to assassinate him so he can finally stop looking over his shoulder. He screws it up, misses his target, blows up Hunter’s swamp house, and kills John Eagle in the process. That’s enough to bring Hunter out of retirement so he can make Rostov’s nightmare come true after all.
Rostov and his goons, thinking they’ve eliminated Matt Hunter, show up in suburban neighborhoods with bazookas and start blowing up random houses. They hit a mall with enough explosives to blow the Santa display into the stratosphere. They show up at public spaces and mow down people coming out of church. All of these acts of terror build toward race wars and full societal collapse. Chuck Norris drives around in his truck wearing driving gloves, because he needs to keep his hands fresh for combat.
More Collateral Damage Than You Could Ever Reasonably Count
Everything explodes in Invasion U.S.A. There is a very clear bad guy and good guy here, and Rostov has a very specific, very insane calling card. He shoots multiple people in the crotch as if it’s his signature move. He literally pulls down the waistband, inserts the muzzle, and starts blasting. Right in the family jewels. He does this a lot. It’s a perfect action movie if these are the kinds of thrills you seek. As Matt Hunter gets further into his crusade for justice, he stays stoic, confident, and ready to tell the higher-ups exactly what they need to do to make sure America rebuilds and remains a dominant world power.
It’s all so stupid, but it’s such a great flick to throw on with friends. The rewind-and-laugh-your-ass-off value on this one is off the charts, making it perfect for a group setting. If you want to celebrate one of Cannon’s most insane clunkers from the 80s, you can stream Invasion U.S.A. for free on Tubi as of this writing.
Entertainment
How to watch Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey final online for free
TL;DR: Live stream Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey final for free on ITVX. Access this free streaming platform from anywhere in the world with ExpressVPN.
Atletico Madrid are fresh from beating Barcelona in the quarter-final stage of the Champions League. They’re going to come up against Arsenal in the next round, but first they face off against Real Sociedad in the final of the Copa del Rey.
Atletico Madrid are comfortably above their opponents in La Liga, but Real Sociedad possess the quality to beat any side on their best day. The likes of Mendez and Oyarzabal will likely cause problems for Diego Simeone’s team this weekend.
If you want to watch Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey final from anywhere in the world, we have all the information you need.
When is Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad?
Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey final kicks off at 3 p.m. ET on April 18. This fixture takes place at the Estadio de La Cartuja.
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How to watch Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad for free
Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey final is available to live stream for free on ITVX.
ITVX is geo-restricted to the UK, but anyone can access this free streaming platform with a VPN. These tools can hide your real IP address (digital location) and connect you to a secure server in the UK, meaning you can unblock ITVX to live stream the Copa del Rey for free from anywhere in the world.
Live stream Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey for free by following these simple steps:
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Subscribe to a streaming-friendly VPN (like ExpressVPN)
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Download the app to your device of choice (the best VPNs have apps for Windows, Mac, iOS, Android, Linux, and more)
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Open up the app and connect to a server in the UK
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Visit ITVX
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Watch Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad for free from anywhere in the world
$12.95 only at ExpressVPN (with money-back guarantee)
The best VPNs for streaming are not free, but most do offer free-trials or money-back guarantees. By leveraging these offers, you can access free live streams of the Copa del Rey without actually spending anything. This obviously isn’t a long-term solution, but it does give you enough time to stream Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey final before recovering your investment.
What is the best VPN for ITVX?
ExpressVPN is the best choice for bypassing geo-restrictions to stream live sport on ITVX, for a number of reasons:
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Servers in 105 countries including the UK
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Easy-to-use app available on all major devices including iPhone, Android, Windows, Mac, and more
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A two-year subscription to ExpressVPN is on sale for $68.40 and includes an extra four months for free — 81% off for a limited time. This plan includes a year of free unlimited cloud backup and a generous 30-day money-back guarantee. Alternatively, you can get a one-month plan for just $12.99 (with money-back guarantee).
Live stream Atletico Madrid vs. Real Sociedad in the Copa del Rey final for free with ExpressVPN.
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