By Robert Scucci
| Published 7 seconds ago

If you grew up in the 90s playing first-person shooters on MS-DOS, you probably have fond memories of sneaking in sessions of Duke Nukem 3D. While we never had gaming consoles in my household, my parents had no qualms about me playing PC games like Doom, Quake, and Wolfenstein. For reasons I will never fully understand, Super Mario Bros. was forbidden fare, but blasting space demons and zombies with rocket launchers and mowing down Nazis with machine guns was considered a perfectly acceptable way to spend a rainy afternoon.

I think the real reason was that my parents did not want to spend money on a console when we already had a perfectly good computer sitting in the family room. In retrospect, I kind of respect that decision. It meant I had access to adventure puzzle games like The Seventh Guest and Myst, along with the above-mentioned shooters that were absolutely not meant for kids my age.

In 1996, Duke Nukem 3D was everywhere, and I remember watching my dad get hooked on it one weekend in his office. I could hear explosions and laughter through the door, which naturally made me curious. That was my introduction to a game that was wildly inappropriate for a kid, but I was lucky enough to have parents who let me watch R-rated action movies as long as we talked about why certain behaviors on screen were not meant to be copied in real life.

That brings me to the real heart of this article. Why, in the year 2026, do we still not have a Duke Nukem movie? The property feels tailor-made for an R-rated action comedy. It is violent, self-aware, and ridiculous. There are strippers and aliens, pigs dressed as cops, lizard troopers, and catchphrases pulled straight from films like Aliens, Dirty Harry, They Live, Jaws, and Pulp Fiction. Duke Nukem 3D is routinely cited as one of the greatest video games ever made, and the franchise reportedly generated well over a billion dollars by the early 2000s. A faithful adaptation would go absolutely gangbusters.

A Simple Yet Effective Action Hero

A movie based on the Duke Nukem character would not be difficult to pull off because the story is intentionally lean. Duke arrives in Los Angeles aboard his space cruiser, ready for a much-needed vacation. His ship gets shot down by aliens who have invaded and taken over the city, and he is understandably irritated about having to clean up their mess. Armed with his Mighty Foot and an arsenal that includes shotguns, triple-barrelled chain guns, grenade launchers, and pipe bombs, Duke tears through Assault Troopers, Pig Cops, Battlelord Sentries, and Enforcers.

What truly sets Duke Nukem 3D apart from its contemporaries is how interactive the environments are. Duke crawls through air vents, blows apart buildings by hitting detonation switches that are just laying around willy-nilly, kicks fire hydrants and drinks from water fountains to power up, and even tips strippers for a quick show before getting back to work. It is juvenile, excessive, and completely unapologetic. When Duke says he is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, a quote attributed to Roddy Piper in They Live!, he means it.

The amount of controversy the game attracted from special interest groups over its content is exactly why Duke Nukem would thrive as an R-rated action comedy today. With the right creative team attached, the tone does not need to be reinvented or overhauled at all.

Attempts Have Been Made

There has never been a shortage of interest in bringing Duke Nukem to the big screen. As early as 2001, when the franchise was riding high, Threshold Entertainment attempted to get a feature film off the ground, but it never made it out of development. Another effort surfaced in 2008 from Max Payne producer Scott Faye, though that version stalled just as quickly.

The closest we came to a Duke Nukem movie was in 2018, when Paramount Pictures and Platinum Dunes were having discussions with John Cena to take on the lead role. It was a near-perfect casting choice, but the rights were in transition at the time, and the project was quietly shelved.

The most recent development came in 2022, when Legendary Entertainment announced that it had acquired the rights to produce a Duke Nukem film, with Cobra Kai creators Josh Heald and Jon Hurwitz attached. Since then, updates have been scarce, which unfortunately feels par for the course for this franchise.

If it takes another five years for anything concrete to happen, so be it. I just hope Cena is still able to step into the role. Projects like Ricky Stanicky have already proven that his comedic timing is a perfect match for a character like Duke Nukem. The image of him kicking a fire hydrant for health before tossing a pipe bomb into a movie theater and getting frisky with the ladies deserves to exist outside of my imagination.

What this movie needs is simple. Enemies that respawn endlessly, one-liners delivered without restraint, and waves of identical henchmen getting obliterated as Duke reluctantly fights his way back to vacation. This does not need to be high art. It needs to be an ultra-violent alien invasion, solved by the coolest video game character to ever appear on a computer screen.