By Chris Snellgrove
| Published 28 seconds ago

Starfleet Academy was canceled shortly after the end of its first season. Nonetheless, a second season had already been greenlit and filmed, so fans can look forward to more misadventures with their favorite band of space cadets. Even as those fans look forward to what Season 2 brings, though, at least one of the show’s biggest actors regrets that there won’t be a third season to tell his character’s most ambitious story yet.

Robert Picardo reprised his role as the Doctor for Starfleet Academy, and the first season provided a surprise follow-up to “Real Life,” one of his best Voyager episodes. In a recent interview, the actor revealed that he had pitched a Season 3 SFA follow-up to “Living Witness,” where he would encounter a backup version of himself that was left behind on an alien planet. Picardo saw the episode as a chance to grow the Doctor like never before. Unfortunately, his description of the plot makes it clear that the episode he pitched would have ruined his character altogether.

Is There A Doctor In The House?

“Living Witness” was a Star Trek: Voyager episode where a backup version of the ship’s holographic Doctor is activated on an alien planet seven hundred years after Voyager left. He is activated by a museum curator hoping to get to the bottom of a centuries-old conflict between two alien races. Eventually, the Doctor is able to make peace between the two groups and stays behind as their surgical chancellor before getting into a shuttle and very belatedly plotting a course back to Earth.

To many fans’ surprise, the first season of Starfleet Academy never followed up on “Living Witness.” However, Robert Picardo recently appeared on the D-Con Chamber Podcast (hosted by Enterprise alumni Dominic Keating and Connor Trineer) and revealed that he pitched a Season 3 story that would follow up on this iconic Voyager episode. “I wanted to do an episode—now we can talk freely about it, because the show’s canceled…I wanted to meet my Voyager backup, my old self, and be as I looked at 41 and play off my self.”

Doctor, Heal Thyself

At first, this would have the “Living Witness” Doctor chastising the Starfleet Academy version for programming aging into his subroutine. Eventually, they bond over the relationship they share with Lewis Zimmerman, the man who invented the Emergency Medical Hologram. “The Doctor and his backup program are two children of the same parent. One has resolved the issues, the other hasn’t, and after 800 years, those daddy issues, those parental conflicts, they don’t go away if you don’t deal with them,” Picardo said.

On paper, I love the idea of following up on “Living Witness,” and I previously wrote about how interesting it would be if the backup version was actually the Doctor in Starfleet Academy. Furthermore, Robert Picardo’s storytelling instincts are good in the sense that it would be fun to see multiple versions of this cranky hologram bouncing off each other. Unfortunately, the Starfleet Academy episode that he pitched was emblematic of the show’s biggest problem: that the adults on the show are no more mature than the young cadets.

Nearly Ruining A Beloved Character

Critics of Starfleet Academy have frequently dunked on the cadet characters for various reasons, including their vulgar language, constant insults, and frequent infighting. Fans of the show have traditionally responded to this criticism by pointing out that, as young characters growing up in a post-Burn galaxy, the cadets should be immature. 

However, one of the show’s biggest problems is that the adult characters were equally immature. The Doctor and Captain Ake have a combined 1200 years between them, but they spend their screentime making poop jokes and laughing at a farting fish. Plus, their dialogue is equally vulgar, with the Doctor infamously declaring that “debate is not for the chickensh*t” and Captain Ake telling her enemy to “blow it out your *ss!”

What does this have to do with the Season 3 SFA episode that Robert Picardo pitched? Simple: the last thing the show needs is another older character acting just as immature as the younger characters. For example, having daddy issues is part of Genesis’s character, which makes sense because she is supposed to be so young. But both versions of the Doctor are now over 800 years old, making them some of the wisest and most ancient living beings in the galaxy. Why in the name of Neelix’s stinky cheese would either of them have the same kind of daddy issues as a teenager in her freshman year of space college?

Meet The Trauma Teacher

It was already weird enough in Season 1 that Starfleet Academy turned the Doctor into a tragic figure haunted by the death of his holographic son from “Real Life;”; before this, he never even mentioned the kid after the episode. Now, Picardo’s pitch would further tweak his character to explain that, after the better part of a millennium, the backup Doctor is suffering from daddy issues that, like him mourning his son, were never really mentioned before in Voyager. I can’t help but think this would ultimately ruin his character, turning the whimsical comic relief character from a beloved Star Trek show into just another NuTrek character defined primarily by trauma.

Because of this, I’m glad that Starfleet Academy got canceled. I actually warmed up to Season 1 over time, but it had an insanely rocky first half that made it really hard to love these characters. If Season 3 was going to ruin the Doctor (one of my favorite characters from the Golden Age of the franchise) with Picardo’s pitch, it’s best that the show died. Fans will have to make peace with the fact that the best days of the Doctor are just like the best days of Star Trek: stuck a few decades in the past.

By Brian Myers
| Updated 8 seconds ago

Director and screenwriter Bob Clark did such a masterful job with the 1983 movie A Christmas Story that it’s hard to imagine the man creating anything that wasn’t wholesome. But two years before little Ralphie gets his Red Ryder gun, Clark wrote and directed a comedy so lewd and outrageous that modern audiences are still shocked by it. 1981’s Porky’s was one of the raunchiest comedy movies ever released by a major studio and served as an important milestone in shock comedy.

A Filthy, Iconic Revenge Arc

The story arc of Clark’s semi-autobiographical movie follows a group of high school basketball players who live in Angel Beach, FL in the 1950s. Their hormones raging, they conceive a plan to lose their virginities to an older sex worker, not realizing that they are being set up for a humiliating (and pretty darn funny) prank set up by one of their older brothers.

Determined to follow through with the plan of getting their first times out of the way, the boys believe that their dreams can be fulfilled at a strip club located deep in the Everglades. The seedy establishment is the film’s namesake, owned and operated by an older, hefty character named Porky Wallace. The team makes their way to the strip club, makes an arrangement with Porky for a handful of ladies, and are guided to a darkened room to await their fates.

Unfortunately, it’s a trap. A literal one. Porky pulls a lever from the outside the room the boys are waiting in, springing open a hatch in the floor. The boys plummet down and into the swamp water below.

Enraged, the team storms back in to get their money back and to take a crack at the source of their collective humiliation. Outnumbered and outwitted, they decide to leave while they are still in one piece. They make the long drive back to Angel Beach, still virgins.

The remainder of the film’s primary plotline involves subsequent attempts at revenge on Porky Wallace by one of the group, who only gets severely beaten. Finally, with the help of one of their older brothers (a local policeman), the boys hatch an elaborate vengeance plot that they hope will ruin Porky forever.

But Wait, There’s Sidequests!

The film’s main story is compelling enough. The initial visit to the strip club is equal parts funny and cringy, and the final 20 minutes showcase one of the greatest revenge ideas ever. But it’s all of the side stories that spring up along the way that really make Porky’s a raunchy comedy well worth the time. One subplot involves the new gym coach wondering why one of the younger girls’ coaches (played by Kim Cattrall) has the nickname “Lassie.” No spoilers, but it has nothing to do with her love of collies.

Another sub-plot concerns several of the basketball players discovering that there are ways to view the girls while they shower after practice. Tommy Turner, Pee Wee Morris, and Billy McCarty try and fail several times, mistiming when the girls would be there. But one time, they get lucky and then get caught. No spoilers here, either, but an unnamed appendage of Tommy Turners accidentally winds up in the hands of a woman that the girls call “Kong,” the cranky old Coach Ballbricker.

Porky’s is a mashup of sophomoric pranks, full frontal nudity, hilarious sex scenes, and satisfying revenge. The Movie somehow manages to capture the nostalgic feeling of the 1950s, making the Angel Beach high school and its student body part of Rockwell illustration that is then caked in phallic jokes and bare-breasted women. If Happy Days and late 70s soft-core pornography gave birth to a film that was narrated by a group of 17-year-old boys, the finished product wouldn’t be that far from the film written and directed by Clark.

Porky’s went where no other major release had gone before. Multiple scenes of full-frontal nudity, lewd discussions about quests to lose virginities, and one character’s hilarious obsession with the size of his manhood (he measures it every morning and actually keeps a “growth chart” and pencil next to his bed) paved the way for even raunchier comedy movies throughout the remainder of the 80s and forward. Where Animal House didn’t dare to go, Porky’s said “hold my beer” and delivered shock, awe, and tear-jerking laughter. To be sure, without Porky’s, there would be no Revenge of the Nerds or American Pie.

From Progressive To Perverse

Clark would go on to direct the first sequel, Porky’s II: The Next Day two years later, the same year that he directed the timeless Christmas movie that so many people watch each holiday season. This was certainly the filmmaker’s peak, as the entries later in his career included the bombs Loose Cannons, Turk 182, and Rhinestone.

In case you thought that Porky’s might be an aberration in Clark’s career as a family-friendly filmmaker, guess again. The New Orleans native began making exploitation movies in the late 1960s, beginning with the cult classic She-Man. The plot centers around a former GI that discovers that he enjoys wearing women’s clothing, giving audiences a look at the trans community.

Clark followed that work up with a documentary titled Queens at Heart in 1967. This piece centered around the lives of four transwomen, each of whom dresses to match their genders assigned at birth by day but live as women after work. Both of these early films by Clark are considered ground-breaking, given that they provide a candid and honest glimpse into the lives of a community that was scarcely represented during that era.

From there, Clark shifted his focus to horror. His first genre film was the gruesome zombie movie Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (1972). Shot with a budget of $50,000, the cult classic was the result of Clark’s tireless diligence and the participation of a group of the director’s friends from college. It helped to cement his reputation as one of the best B-horror filmmakers of the decade and quickly became a late-night drive-in favorite.

In 1974, Clark directed two additional horror films. The first, Death Dream, was a reimagining of the W. W. Jacobs tale “The Monkey’s Paw.” Though a low-budget feature, it starred future multi-Emmy Award nominee Richard Backus (One Life to Live, Ryan’s Hope), as well as Academy Award nominee Lynn Carlin (Faces). Horror fans will recognize the special effects makeup work of master artist Tom Savini, who would soon go on to work with George Romero.

The second horror entry that year was, ironically enough, Clark’s first Christmas movie. Black Christmas is regarded by many as the first slasher film and has been remade twice (2006 and 2019). The original stars future Superman and Amityville Horror actress Margot Kidder, Olivia Hussey, and John Saxon.

Bob Clark’s Legendary Run

Rounding out the decade for Clark was a leap to yet another genre of film. In 1976, he filmed Breaking Point, a low-budget crime drama starring Bo Svenson and Robert Culp. Three years later he brought to life Sherlock Holmes and Watson in the mystery thriller Murder by Decree. The plot follows the British duo as they track the Whitechapel killings committed by the notorious Jack the Ripper. It was his biggest budget film by far at that point, and boasted a cast consisting of James Mason (Salem’s Lot, Lolita), Christopher Plummer (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country), and Donald Sutherland (Invasion of the Body Snatchers).

So, the next time you and your family gather around the TV with the family and begin quoting along with Ralphie and the bunch, remember that the brain behind it was also the same fellow who orchestrated an on-screen tug-of-war between Coach Ballbricker and that rascal Tommy Turner, using the latter’s genitalia as sports equipment.

As of this writing, Porky’s is currently unavailable for Streaming.

By Chris Snellgrove
| Updated 53 seconds ago

One of the most unappreciated members of any given Star Trek show is the science consultant. This is the guy who is in charge of making all of the crazy sci-fi adventures of our favorite characters sound relatively realistic. At the end of the day, that’s what separates this franchise from Star Wars, which explains its wildest plot points by simply saying that the Force moved in mysterious ways.

On one occasion, a scientific consultant effectively saved the most important episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. After the rocky second season ended with a crappy clip show, Season 3 began with “Evolution,” a banger episode that proved that TNG was about to become must-see TV. The episode prominently featured nanites, futuristic machines straight out of our wildest sci-fi fantasies. But without consultant David Krieger, this episode wouldn’t have had nanites. Instead, it would have had dust mites flying tiny planes around the Enterprise!

Good Boys And Bad Science

For context, the plot of “Evolution” involved the Enterprise crew helping a cranky genius study a stellar explosion that happens every 196 years like clockwork. Meanwhile, teenage wunderkind Wesley Crusher was conducting experiments involving nanites, and he accidentally let a couple of the critters loose. Soon, they replicate and evolve, threatening the big experiment and everyone aboard the ship. The scientist clashes with the nanites, but Picard reaches a diplomatic solution by securing these new life forms their very own homeworld.

“Evolution” is an excellent episode, and it was written by Michael Piller, the man who ultimately became TNG’s showrunner and turned it into one of the best shows in television history. Plus, the nanites are one of the coolest creatures ever introduced into Star Trek. However, Star Trek science consultant David Krieger revealed on his personal website that this episode was nearly very different. According to him, the original pitch didn’t include nanites. Instead, it featured dust mites that gained intelligence and flew around the Enterprise in miniature aircraft.

A Shocking Development

Fortunately for all of us, Krieger found this idea deeply stupid. In fact, he claims that he laughed out loud when he read the original premise for the episode. Once he stopped chuckling, though, he spoke to the producers and firmly objected to the idea of dust mites turning into tiny flying gremlins. Instead, he proposed using nanites instead, which was a great call: not only are nanites based on actual scientific theories, but they looked far less goofy onscreen than flying dust mites ever would.

If David Krieger hadn’t stepped in and shut down the dust mite plot, “Evolution” would have joined the ranks of “Spock’s Brain” as one of the worst episodes in all of Star Trek history. Thanks to this science consultant’s intervention, though, this episode helped transform The Next Generation into what many fans consider the gold standard of the franchise. It also helped Michael Piller become showrunner, and he was so successful in the role that he would later help create both Deep Space Nine and Voyager. In that way, this humble consultant did more than save a single episode; he may have saved Star Trek as we know it!