Entertainment
Netflix's Raunchy, Unrated Comedy Is For Members Only
By Robert Scucci
| Updated
There’s a time and a place for one-note humor, and more often than not it’s used wrong. South Park’s most recent seasons proved you can only stretch “the President has a small wee-wee” jokes so far before they fall apart. There are only so many punchlines that can land before the humor goes stale.
Speaking of wee-wees, I expected that same kind of thin delivery when I fired up the 2018 Netflix Original, The Package, which does the unthinkable by taking a one-note joke about somebody getting their wiener chopped off and trying to get it reattached, stretching it across 94 minutes, and somehow keeping things fresh the entire time.
I went in fully prepared to hate-watch it. I wanted to channel my inner old man and say, “They don’t make raunchy teen comedies like they used to,” right before complaining about how restaurant menus are all QR codes now. The Package is a perfect example of a one-note joke done right because it constantly escalates, pushing itself from one extreme situation to the next.
Knowing full well, as a 37-year-old father, that my days of regularly enjoying movies like The Package are well behind me, I’m glad the next generation of young adults still gets raunchy comedies like this one. Had it come out around the same time as Road Trip (2000) or Without a Paddle (2004), everybody my age would treat The Package with the same level of reverence, because it’s just that funny.
The Worst Kind Of Whoopsie
Here’s the plot to The Package. Sean (Daniel Doheny) is planning a bros only weekend in the woods with his best friends, Jeremy (Eduardo Franco) and Donnie (Luke Spencer Roberts). At the last minute, Jeremy announces that his twin sister Becky (Geraldine Viswanathan), who has a crush on Sean, and Sarah (Sadie Calvano), who Donnie used to date, will be tagging along for the camping trip.
The kids head deep into the woods and start drinking and doing spring break stuff, which is par for the course in your typical teen comedy, and then everything goes to hell. Jeremy, who’s been practicing party tricks with his razor-sharp switchblade, accidentally lops off his penis while peeing over a cliff because he’s having just a little too much drunken fun slicing through his own stream. That’s the joke.
Rightfully panicked, a now penisless Jeremy goes into shock and is airlifted to the hospital, his member packed in a cooler after Sarah and Donnie find it in the bushes. For a brief moment, all is right in the world. Until the hospital staff learns that the cooler handed to the first responders was actually the one full of food and drinks, meaning Jeremy’s unit is still with Sean, Donnie, Becky, and Sarah, who are miles from their car and without cell phones because Sean accidentally dropped them off the cliff while searching for service.
The Package Goes Hard
The reason this one-note setup works so well in The Package is because of how fully it commits to the bit. And in this context, “bit” means “Argyle from Stranger Things’ severed dong.” I can’t remember the last time I crossed my legs and winced while watching a comedy, but they truly go all out here.
Bit by a rattlesnake? Someone has to suck out the venom. Covered in dirt and wilderness debris after a chaotic trek? Don’t worry, the gas station clerk will rinse it off in the soda fountain and buff it clean because, strangely enough, he was a military combat medic previously, and this isn’t his first rodeo. Finally make it to the hospital with the package, only to find out it was sewn onto Redneck Reginald (Blake Anderson), whose girlfriend Sheryl (Sugar Lyn Beard) landed him in the hospital at the same time by cutting off his pee pee and “flushing it like a poo poo”? Don’t worry, the gang will figure it out.
The Package will make you want to gag. It will make you cringe and wince. You’ll throw your hands up and yell, “Oh, come on!” to nobody in particular. But nearly every joke lands. It’s juvenile and vulgar in all the right ways, and I give The Package serious credit for taking a one-note joke and committing to it so hard that it keeps paying off.
The Package is a Netflix Original, and you can stream it if you’re a member.
Entertainment
Windows 10 is vulnerable, but upgrading to Windows 11 Pro is only $13 right now
TL;DR: Windows 11 Pro was $199, but right now, it’s only $12.97.
Last year, Microsoft ended support for Windows 10. One major consequence of that is that machines running Windows 10 aren’t getting the essential security updates that keep your data private. The good news is that it’s also really cheap to upgrade right now. Before, it would have cost you $199 to get Windows 11 Pro, but right now, it’s only $12.97. This offer ends very soon.
Security is one of the main reasons to move away from Windows 10. Windows 11 Pro uses newer hardware security tools like TPM 2.0 and UEFI, which help your PC check that nothing has been tampered with when it starts up. BitLocker can encrypt your whole drive so your files are harder to get into if your laptop is lost or stolen, and Smart App Control helps block shady or unsafe apps before they run. If you run virtual machines, test software, or connect to business networks, tools like Hyper-V, Windows Sandbox, and Azure AD support give you a safer way to do that work.
Mashable Deals
You also get a simpler desktop layout, a new Start menu, and snap tools that make it easier to line up windows side by side without dragging them around forever. Virtual desktops let you keep separate setups for work, school, and personal use on the same computer. Built-in Teams and Widgets keep calls, calendars, weather, and other quick info close so you are not digging through menus just to join a meeting or check something basic.
Copilot adds an AI assistant directly into Windows. You can use it to change settings, summarize pages you are reading, draft emails or other text, or get quick code suggestions. You open it from the taskbar, with the Windows logo key plus C, or with a Copilot key if your keyboard has one.
Mashable Deals
Time to upgrade. Get Windows 11 Pro while it’s only $13.
StackSocial prices subject to change.
Entertainment
Moon phase today: What the Moon will look like on February 22
The Moon is a quarter of the way back to us now, meaning there is more than enough of its surface lit up that we can enjoy some Moon gazing. So, what can you see when you look up tonight?
What is today’s Moon phase?
As of Sunday, Feb. 22, the Moon phase is Waxing Crescent. According to NASA’s Daily Moon Guide, 26% of the Moon will be lit up tonight.
There’s plenty to see on the Moon’s surface tonight, but some Mares and craters stand out. With just your naked eye, you should be able to make out the Mares Crisium and Fecunditatis. If you add binoculars you’ll also be able to see the Endymion Crater. And with a telescope, enjoy a glimpse of the Apollo 17 landing spot.
When is the next Full Moon?
The next Full Moon will be on March 3. The last Full Moon was on Feb. 1.
What are Moon phases?
NASA tells us that the Moon completes a full orbit around Earth in roughly 29.5 days. During this cycle, it passes through eight distinct phases. Although we consistently see the same side of the Moon, the portion illuminated by the Sun shifts as it travels along its orbit. The changing angle of sunlight reflecting off the Moon’s surface is what makes it appear full, partially lit, or nearly dark at different times. The eight phases include:
New Moon – The Moon is between Earth and the sun, so the side we see is dark (in other words, it’s invisible to the eye).
Mashable Light Speed
Waxing Crescent – A small sliver of light appears on the right side (Northern Hemisphere).
First Quarter – Half of the Moon is lit on the right side. It looks like a half-Moon.
Waxing Gibbous – More than half is lit up, but it’s not quite full yet.
Full Moon – The whole face of the Moon is illuminated and fully visible.
Waning Gibbous – The Moon starts losing light on the right side. (Northern Hemisphere)
Third Quarter (or Last Quarter) – Another half-Moon, but now the left side is lit.
Waning Crescent – A thin sliver of light remains on the left side before going dark again.
Entertainment
David Hasselhoff Battles Aliens In An Insane Sci-Fi Spin-Off You Won't Believe Is Real
By Jonathan Klotz
| Published
For one glorious moment in time, Baywatch was the most-watched show on the planet, turning Pamela Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth, and Carmen Electra into stars, but even those three paled compared to the popularity of David Hasselhoff. The star of Knight Rider found the perfect role for his second act as Mitch Buchannon, a veteran lifeguard who often said it was the only job he ever had, but secretly wanted to be a detective.
Baywatch Nights, the 1995 spin-off, let Mitch live his dream as a detective straight out of a 1930s pulp novel, solving murders, finding missing people, battling sea monsters, uncovering an alien conspiracy, exploring a parallel dimension, and even going 20 years into the future. Baywatch Nights is a bizarre fever dream that would never, ever get made today.
Baywatch Nights Is The Strangest Spinoff In TV History
Baywatch Nights is really two shows: the noir crime thriller of Season 1 and the X-Files knockoff it became in Season 2. Hasselhoff’s Mitch wasn’t the only familiar face. Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Allan Williams), the police officer from Baywatch since the beginning, established a private detective agency and brought in his buddy Mitch to help him, alongside Detective Ryan McBride (Angie Harmon’s debut, known today for Law & Order and Rizzoli and Isles). Legendary musician Lou Rawls not only played the owner of the nightclub that housed the new detective agency, but also performed the opening song, “After the Sun Comes Down,” which played over the opening montage of mostly daylit scenes.
Right away, fans were incredibly confused when the opening montage had Mitch running in his Baywatch red trunks and then fading in wearing a white Miami Vice-style suit. In 1995. Multiple shots of Hasselhoff behind a car were supposed to remind fans of his time on Knight Rider, but it had nothing in common with the campy, light-hearted show it was spinning off from. Faced with cratering ratings as the first season went on, the studio, The Baywatch Company, retooled into a monster-of-the-week format even further removed from the original beachside drama.
From Noir Detective To Paranormal Investigator
Season 2 of Baywatch Nights is one of the worst shows to ever make it to air. Or one of the best, in practice, this was close to a 90’s version of Kolchak the Nightstalker. There was no myth arc, no character development, and no real point to the series other than that X-Files was exploding in popularity. The lack of commitment went all the way down to keeping Mitch as a character on Baywatch, making him a lifeguard by day and a paranormal investigator by night.
Episode 4, “Strike” starts off with Mitch saving a young man from drowning when a strange lightning strike causes the two to start sharing their feelings. Spoiler: he’s an alien, and instead of letting himself be captured by the government, he chooses to go back to his home planet. There’s no ambiguity. There’s a bright, white light, and he fades from sight as he teleports back home. Again, this is a Baywatch spin-off. With aliens.
A later episode is somehow even stranger: Episode 13, “Frozen Out of Time,” pits Mitch against Vikings, and, of course, it ends with David Hasselhoff getting into a sword fight with a broom. Four episodes later, and the team is hunting down a werewolf. At the same time these episodes are airing, Hasselhoff is still playing Mitch on Baywatch, and somehow the topic of aliens is real, and vampires, and werewolves, and yes, even mummies, never comes up. You’d think “I’m friends with an alien” would make great water cooler conversation at work.
Baywatch Nights falls solidly into the “so bad it’s good” category. There’s no question that at the time, it was a massive flop and one of the least successful spin-offs of all time. Describing it today will make people question your sanity, and yet, there are more episodes of Baywatch Nights than there is Stranger Things.
Windows 10 is vulnerable, but upgrading to Windows 11 Pro is only $13 right now
Skidding 76ers face tough challenge vs. Anthony Edwards, Timberwolves
